Prom....

So I think it would be appropriate for me to inform all of my lovely ladies still in high school that Prom is not like it is in this movie.

It can be a magical night but not because of the dress or the boy or any of that stuff. It doesn't matter what boy you go with or who you don't go with. It's about going with people you love and spending a magical night with them, about creating memories with those friends.

If I had to do it over again I would go alone. I would skip the 50$ dinner and skip the after party(yes I just said I'd skip the after party) I would instead eat at home with my friends and instead of going to somebody's house party I'd drive to the beach. I think I've realized that prom however glorious and magical cannot ever hope to live up to the expectations we as a generation make up for it. I really don't know anymore why I thought it was this huge life altering experience. I had a blast mind you, but sometimes I wish I could go back and re-do it with only a few expectations for it (but the dress would have to still be flawless) (as a fashion major I'm required to say that ;) )

So ladies go. Go because its a chance for you to spent time with people you may never see again after high school. Go because you want to dance. Go because of the dress. But don't go because you envision it as this over dramatized fantasy that will alter your universe and propel you towards your future husband.

Now go and dazzle in that gown girlies!!

i

I am lonely.
I am lonely because I am who I am.
I am a strong personality.
I say everything whether it should be or not.
I try to hold it in, it doesn't work.
I have so many emotions and frustrations and I can't articulate them. So I verbally throw up whatever is the most potent at the moment. This screws me over.
I hurt myself through my own actions.

 I cry over you.

I cry because I know its me.
I cry because I don't know how to fix what I cant see.
I cry because when I hurt you I hurt myself.

I cry because I am lonely.
I cry and then somehow mess up again.
I cry because I am sorry.

sorry.

I am sorry

Up until this point in my life I've always been busy enough and have enough drama in my life to avoid seriously thinking. By thinking I mean more specifically about my personality and the flaws that I have. But for the past few days I've been left with very little to do. This lack of activity has thrown into high relief the one aspect of my life that I have been studiously avoiding.

I am lonely.

And it's my own fault.

I have always known that I have the type of personality that can....hurt people. Its not that I mean to, but unavoidably I hurt someone so badly that they stop talking to me. I never mean to, as a matter of fact I don't even know what it is that I do exactly that forces this alienation upon myself.

Trust me if I knew I'd stop doing it.

 I try to tell people that I am moody and that I am bitchy  I can be mean. I try to tell people that I know this and to tell me when I hurt them and that they wont hurt my feelings, but no one tells me. Because of this I am left not knowing and without a friend. I know it's not their fault it's solely mine. But please, I beg of you, please tell me when I  hurt you. It hurts me so much more when I finally realize that I've done something to wound you. If you just tell me I'll be able to work on fixing whatever it is that keeps happening.

I know that I cannot hope to fix all of the friendships that I have broken. I only hope that I will figure out what I do that causes these fractures so I can fix it.

But to all of you who I have alienated...I am sorry, so much so that words cannot express the sorrow I feel. I know that I've hurt you, I don't expect this to change much, all I am looking for is that you see how filled with regret I am. I hope you see that I do recognize that I have flaws(a crap ton to be more accurate) and that I want so very much to fix them.

I am sorry.

Brandon's Insights (with some of mine of course)

Cause black kids can’t possibly like the same shit

Color, color, color…

I might as well get this post out now before too many people start actually paying attention to what I’m saying.

Ok… I went to a Spanish Immersion Elementary school so there was little separation between white and black, well… with any race really.  So you can understand the cultural shock I received when I hit middle school and saw the blatant socio-economic and cultural differences between the privileged suburbanwhite kids I had grown up with and the black kids who also went to school with me.

Race has always played a factor in my character; for instance, in middle school I took it upon myself to separate myself from the black kids in the school and show that we can, in fact, be motivated, articulate human beings (my first middle school was in a particularly poor area, I didn’t really have a representative view of my own race at all besides my own family and them).

Beyond that, I’ve been ridiculed in one way or another from things as far as my apparently acting white (I still hold firm to the belief that one cannot act a color), and my skin color. I’ve said before that I’m done defending myself on these two fronts; I would just like to add that I’m proud of the color of my skin and the history that comes with it.

Which leads me to my final point of today’s topic:
The ‘N’ word.  Every time I get upset when someone who is not black says it I feel like a hypocrite.  I couldn’t articulate why I was okay with my black friends saying it while they’re rapping or generally and not okay with my non-black friends saying it.  I’ve come up with this: it’s an issue of respect for me. And it’s easy if you think of it as respect for the nearest black (really, any) person within earshot.

I try not to say it around people with whom I would get upset with if they said it, because that would be hypocritical.

I will say it if it’s in a song, but generally only if I’m by myself.  Anyway, out of respect for me… while I’m around, please just don’t do it.

//My communication of ideas still needs some work… I hope this was enlightening if only a little. Feel free to shoot me a message with suggestions (maybe for topics, or how I could better write these, or what direction you would like me to go in).

P.S. People don’t just get scholarships (especially mine) or some other things just because of the color of their skin; that’s ignorant.  People get these things because of need or hard work.

As a response

I think that you realize a few things in this that very few have yet to see. I applaud you in being able to effectively communicate something that has such a strong tug on your being without getting hostile. I agree that it is impossible for someone to act like a color, but unfortunatly the stereotypes(if you should call them that) that culturally go with the color of someones skin and their race within a society are hard to escape from. They have been so ingrained into our thinking that it is hard to not think in such terms. One can only hope that our generation is the beginning of an era where such things begin to fade away.

Response from the Big Wig Beauty Lady

Dear Alex...

It broke my heart to receive this heart felt note from you.  I can tell that this is something that has really bothered you and I can't even fathom where you would have come to the conclusion that our winners are determined by whom they go to for coaching or whom they choose to work with for wardrobe.  We would not have a clue who the contestants shop with nor work with, and we make every effort when talking to our sponsors, not to discuss their clients, i.e. our contestants.  We have had young ladies win with no coaching and wearing  Wal-mart swimsuits and borrowed gowns, so I am so sorry that you have taken this away from the experience that you had with us.

Thank you for taking the time to let us know your feelings.  If you see that there is anyway we can prevent others from having these types of feelings, I would be honored to have you share your thoughts with us.

Respectfully,
Paula Miles
Director




Hmmmm..... curious.

Frustrated Former Beauty Contestant

For those of you who don't know, I was a contestant in a couple of beauty pageants. Yes I am aware of all the negative connotations that go along with that.

Anyways. As a contestant I realized how biased and unfair the competition was, as a former contestant I continue to receive emails and letters from the organization.

Today I received one and wrote a reply.

To Whom it May Concern,

As a past participant in your beauty pageant I feel that it is time for me to express some of the frustrations of being a contestant. As someone who values all of the "requirements" you say are vital to being a Teen or Miss. winner I thought your beauty pageant would be a beneficial experience. I was unfortunatly not entirely correct. I, along with several other of the contestants, soon came to realize that I had no chance of progressing past the preliminaries. That no matter how hard we tried, how hard we sparkled we would not move forward. This unfortunate fact arose because we had not complied with the unspoken rules of your pageant.

 In order to win anything in this pageant you must buy your dress(es) from the biggest sponsor, be coached by the biggest sponsors, be willing to pay out the nose to the biggest sponsors. For some of us however this is not an option. Some of the girls who enter this pageant cannot afford to buy a dress that costs a few thousand dollars and then pay hundreds more for "proper" training. To tell them that they have the same chances as all of the girls who can pay and know to do such things is immoral. 

I have contemplated over and over how I could change the way things are done at RPM Productions and I realized that the obvious beginning would be simply voicing my frustrations. I continue to hope for the future contestants sake that you all recognize these faults and make amends. I also cannot see how you have not noticed a trend to begin with. Most would think it odd that other than the "pageant" girls none of your other contestants ever come back again. I would venture to say that it is because they too have noticed what I've noticed. 

I think that if steps were taken to change how things were done you would see a rise in the number who apply and the number that choose to return. The only thing that made me become a contestant for a second time was the other girls, the prospect of being able to meet so many other amazing women and make so many friends was the only reason I returned. 

Regards,

Alex Foxworth

Yes its a frustrated yet (I'd like to think) eloquent response to their disgusting newsletter but I felt it was long over due.

On matters of Regection

Recently I've found that I have an unfortunate ability to build and sustain a list of rejections that continues to grow with each interview I give. At first I believed it to be the fact that I simply did  not fit the position, but after so many no's one begins to understand that it is not the position. Rather it is ones self that is unfit. But the question is how does one become fit?

To become fit for a job is a simpler thing, all you would have to do is to perfect one's interview skills and resume. But what of those positions....that one cannot specifically prepare for? How is someone to gain ground in that department?
Is it my own fault that I find myself in a state of stagnancy? If so how is it that my personality is deemed the type to be rejected and placed in such a state? After much consideration that there is no answer, that there is no way to be completely sure that one's personality is "right" all one can do is make sure that it is right by yourself. I've also come to the conclusion that although I would like to be able to alter the course that I seem to be destined for there is nothing that I can do.

All that I can hope to do is to not become jaded. To continue to hope that all of these rejections continue because there is something more I am meant to do. To continue to hope as all do that I have been rejected because some greater force means something greater for me. Although admittedly I will continue to question myself and the path I am on because of them.

So to all who have been rejected: keep hoping keep believing as you do that somewhere ahead of you there is an acceptance.
To those who have stopped believing, please find hope, find hope in that everything in life is a series of choices. If you make only choices you are proud of and content with then it is only possible for you to have outcomes that are the same.