I am sorry

Up until this point in my life I've always been busy enough and have enough drama in my life to avoid seriously thinking. By thinking I mean more specifically about my personality and the flaws that I have. But for the past few days I've been left with very little to do. This lack of activity has thrown into high relief the one aspect of my life that I have been studiously avoiding.

I am lonely.

And it's my own fault.

I have always known that I have the type of personality that can....hurt people. Its not that I mean to, but unavoidably I hurt someone so badly that they stop talking to me. I never mean to, as a matter of fact I don't even know what it is that I do exactly that forces this alienation upon myself.

Trust me if I knew I'd stop doing it.

 I try to tell people that I am moody and that I am bitchy  I can be mean. I try to tell people that I know this and to tell me when I hurt them and that they wont hurt my feelings, but no one tells me. Because of this I am left not knowing and without a friend. I know it's not their fault it's solely mine. But please, I beg of you, please tell me when I  hurt you. It hurts me so much more when I finally realize that I've done something to wound you. If you just tell me I'll be able to work on fixing whatever it is that keeps happening.

I know that I cannot hope to fix all of the friendships that I have broken. I only hope that I will figure out what I do that causes these fractures so I can fix it.

But to all of you who I have alienated...I am sorry, so much so that words cannot express the sorrow I feel. I know that I've hurt you, I don't expect this to change much, all I am looking for is that you see how filled with regret I am. I hope you see that I do recognize that I have flaws(a crap ton to be more accurate) and that I want so very much to fix them.

I am sorry.