Its Been A While

Its been sometime since my last musing and the reason for that is in itself a musing. Since it is such I feel that I should record it, mostly because I think that it will help me muddle this through.

I have been told that this blog should become "happier". That I should start posting things about my experiences in New York City. That is a brilliant idea but I was then told to start a blog about dogs in the City. Experiences=yes. Dogs=No. (unless of course the experiences include dogs).

The sequence of events that led from that suggestion to this musing is long and will not be told.
It is relevant for my self only.

Throughout my entire life there have been those who have wished to have an impact on me, and there will be many others as well. However there is and shall always be only one person who can.

This being has such a huge impact on everything I do. No matter what it is that I am doing at any given time my first thought is would they be proud of me? The second, would the being find fault in me and what I had done? This person is the only being on earth who has the ability to make me feel as if I can do nothing right. They are the only one who can shoot one glance at me and make me feel as if I was as small and insubstantial as a grain of salt. This being holds the only standard I strive to live up to other than my own. I submit my self to doubt only if this being instills it.

I used to hope(and still naively do) that someday I will succeed and surpass the being's standards. Many of the tears spilt have been when I have lifted that thin, ever present vail of naivety and seen that I shall never live up to even half of the standard I am held against.

This thought of being a continuous let down has two opposing effects. The first being a fire of anger that demands me to push farther and harder in order to succeed. The other being an icy anger that suggest that if failure is inevitable then why try? These two feelings continuously batter against each other. One a will to succeed at whatever challenge presented, the other a condescending rebel refusing to give anyone the satisfaction of having done what was suggested. Having such incompatible forces within ones self creates a sort of internal civil war.

I shall never be good enough, I am driven to prove otherwise but refuse to give them the satisfaction by doing what was suggested.

Hold Fast Dear Ones

Soon I will begin posting things that inspire me and then the final piece(s) that is(are) born from the inspiration.

Hold tight until that moment though dears.

The evolution continues

So today I attended a lecture conversation panel between Tim Gunn and The Sartorialist aka Scott Schuman. I was enlightened by many things they said.

Scott Schuman for instance spoke of authenticity and the love and respect fashion. He spoke of his blog and what he feels a good blog has. He feels that a good blog creates a conversation while talking about things you love. Since his blog is a fashion blog he discusses his views on fashion. The idea that it is more about what you can get from other peoples style rather than critiquing their style and marveling at the idea that someone could dream up such things.

Tim Gunn spoke about designing things that make the wearer feel the the way they should, i.e. making a warrior look an feel like a warrior, making a beautiful woman fell like a beautiful woman. That clothes don't need to change but that fashion by definition needs to change.

All of these comments got me to thinking about the idea that I design for myself, yes I design clothes for a certain group but everything I dream up came into being because I wanted to wear it. I design clothes for me and selling them to people is the next logical step.

So I know how I feel about my designs and myself but of course the best way to learn is through conversation....so converse with me you scant few who read my blog, if you prefer to be anonymous then go ahead I don't mind.

Join in you people that up until this point I was in denial about.

Yes I Want to Be a Princess When I Grow Up.

Is it sad that I still want to grow up and be a princess? I cant seem to shake that dream that is every little girls. I still want a knight in shining armor to come and rescue me (although I'll deny that because I'm an Independent woman). And I keep secretly hoping a prince will come along and sweep me off my feet and into a fairy tale where I get to wear extravagantly huge dresses every day and tiara's (come on ladies who doesn't want a tiara??)

Oh yes I admit I am one of those girls who's secretly in love with Prince Charming and who keeps believing in that Cinderella story. And I'll probably keep on believing it until it happens too.

Oh yes I can here all of you "logical" people out there reading this thinking "good lord the girls done lost her mind" but I promise you I haven't. I still believe because what is life without a fantasy or too (ok it may be a lil' beyond the point of a fantasy but thats not the point). I will forever be a believer in magic and true love, although I will whole heartedly deny it in public. I will continue to believe that every guy I ever get a crush on is my Prince Charming and even when he breaks my heart I'll just keep on believing. I know sappy right?

Yeah I agree,
But honestly every woman grows up being told that they deserve a man who's going to treat them like a princess. Even when they grow up and decide they're too old for Cinderella, Snow White and all the others I guarantee you that deep down they all still hold onto that little girls dream. So ladies I'm here to tell you that it's OK to keep that dream alive, to keep hoping that someday you'll find him. If anything its a good thing to want a good man.

So keep dreaming girls. xoxo

A man never loved a woman he knew everything about.

Don't ask me to tell you who I am. I wont. I need my secrets. I need the shadows. If I didn't have them then you couldn't love me. I keep myself locked up because if you knew everything you'd be scared, there is so much more than you want to see. You don't want to know that I'm more than that girl you went to high school with.

I grow every day. I evolve. I change. I'm never the same so how could you even expect me to divulge everything when sometimes even I don't know.

Even if I did know I sure wouldn't tell you.

I don't want you to start thinking I don't know who I am. Trust me I do. I've slowly been discovering who I am since junior year. I know who I'm becoming. Every day I get closer. And to all of you who refuse to see that I'll just keep moving farther away and keep getting more incomprehensible.

I wish all of you that I loved would move with me, but you wont I'll leave you behind. I'm sorry but it's inevitable, I wont do it on purpose, but it will happen. I will continue to love you because you're a part of me, you helped shape me in some small way(some not so small).

So please don't ask me to tell you everything, but if you do remember I will lie.

Never forget.

To those of you who are celebrating Bin Laden's death. I know who your celebrating but I don't think its right I cant see how celebrating the death of anybody is healthy even a man as terrible as he was.

I think it is more important for us as a nation to remember who we are, who those who died were and where we should be going. We need to remember the unity and nationalism that 9/11 produced. We need to remember those who died and those who fought to save them. To forget would be more terrible than if we had never caught him at all. If we forget that then we as a people have learned nothing.

And to those of you who lost or were lost, I love you and I will remember.

Remember