Its Been A While

Its been sometime since my last musing and the reason for that is in itself a musing. Since it is such I feel that I should record it, mostly because I think that it will help me muddle this through.

I have been told that this blog should become "happier". That I should start posting things about my experiences in New York City. That is a brilliant idea but I was then told to start a blog about dogs in the City. Experiences=yes. Dogs=No. (unless of course the experiences include dogs).

The sequence of events that led from that suggestion to this musing is long and will not be told.
It is relevant for my self only.

Throughout my entire life there have been those who have wished to have an impact on me, and there will be many others as well. However there is and shall always be only one person who can.

This being has such a huge impact on everything I do. No matter what it is that I am doing at any given time my first thought is would they be proud of me? The second, would the being find fault in me and what I had done? This person is the only being on earth who has the ability to make me feel as if I can do nothing right. They are the only one who can shoot one glance at me and make me feel as if I was as small and insubstantial as a grain of salt. This being holds the only standard I strive to live up to other than my own. I submit my self to doubt only if this being instills it.

I used to hope(and still naively do) that someday I will succeed and surpass the being's standards. Many of the tears spilt have been when I have lifted that thin, ever present vail of naivety and seen that I shall never live up to even half of the standard I am held against.

This thought of being a continuous let down has two opposing effects. The first being a fire of anger that demands me to push farther and harder in order to succeed. The other being an icy anger that suggest that if failure is inevitable then why try? These two feelings continuously batter against each other. One a will to succeed at whatever challenge presented, the other a condescending rebel refusing to give anyone the satisfaction of having done what was suggested. Having such incompatible forces within ones self creates a sort of internal civil war.

I shall never be good enough, I am driven to prove otherwise but refuse to give them the satisfaction by doing what was suggested.