Love Is a Many Splendored Thing

I love you, not for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you - Roy Croft

When I first saw you I was afraid to talk to you, 
When I first talked to you I was afraid to like you,
When I first liked you I was afraid to love you, 
Now that I love you I'm afraid to lose you

Love at first sight is only realizing an imagination that has always haunted us;or meeting with a face, a figure, or cast of expression in perfection that we have seen and admired in a less degree or in less favorable circumstances a 

hundred times before.”

William Hazlitt

Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.Anonymous

There are very few people who are not ashamed of having been in love when they no longer love each other.
Francois

Hear my soul speak. Of the very instant that I saw you, Did my heart fly at your service   The Tempest – Act 3, Scene 1

As You Like It – Act 3, Scene 5 Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?

I prithee send me back my heart,


Since I cannot have thine;


For if from yours you will not part,


Why, then, shouldst thou have mine?


~John Suckling

A Morning that Shouldn't be Perfect

This morning is perfect. No matter that the weather is against us or that things just didn't pan out like I had wanted. For some reason no matter what the world threw at it this morning decided to be perfect. With the continuous drizzle and the fog and mist that are so dense even the empire state building is covered. It is perfection. The world woke up this morning and decided that even the weather wouldn't keep this from being glorious. Of course its not the typical glorious. Its the kind of perfection that comes from defiance and rebellion. No matter that he didn't call. No matter that he didn't text back. No matter that there was no dancing. No matter that it was shaping up to be a rather shitty weekend. Somehow.

It just feels right. Even with the fog and mist raining all over the island this is a beautifully flawless morning. Its as if the powers that be are just reminding me that life is never perfect but the moments in between are. Reminding me that a night with good friends is just as, if not better, than a night with a man. The perfection of just being with friends in a moment that although small is powerful. That alone made this potentially dreary and depressing morning just....what it should be.

I think it's also perfect because I woke up this morning knowing exactly who I am. I woke up and just knew, I knew who I was, I was complete and that feeling of solidarity is comforting. It makes that tiny flame of self contentment burn all the brighter.

Against all odds this morning is perfect.

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time there was a little girl. She grew up in the most magical land in a beautiful castle. The castle was in the middle of an enchanted forest that was filled with many amazing and wondrous creatures. There was a dragon who lived in a cave next door and the stream that ran by her house was full of golden fish. Her parent were the king and queen of this land and she also had a little brother who was the most decorated knight in the whole kingdom. She grew up with lots of love and had all of the things any little girl could ask for.

When she was little the girl would wander around the enchanted forest and play with all of the animals. She was friends with the fawns and sprites that lived in the clearings and together they would go adventuring. The fairies who lived in the trees would bring her tiny presents that they would marvel over together. She was very happy her and her brother eventually went to school to be taught all about the wonders of the world, her favorite thing was learning about all the far off places she would someday visit. She found that books let her travel to those places so she read and read and read. She read all kinds of books. Books about those other places, books about the people, books about how things happen. She read any book she could in order to learn more.

Then one day the Queen had to go visit those far off places. She would leave for weeks and while she was gone the family felt small and incomplete but when she came home it was perfect again. She would bring back all sorts of dazzling trinkets from those far off lands. The Queen would also bring back stories of her travels in those far of places and they made the little girl want to visit them all the more. Years went by and eventually it came time for the girl to go on her journey of discovery.

Before she left her parents the King and Queen each gave her a gift. The King gave her advice, to never forget who she is, that she can do anything if she wants to and to always remember he loves her. The Queen however gave her a pair of magical shoes. No matter what happened those shoes would make everything ok and if the day was going bad all she had to do was put those magic shoes on and then it would be all better. Her brother the Knight gave her a Hug that was so full of love that even on her saddest day when she would desperately need a hug all she needed to do was think  about it and she would feel that hug again and be happy. The Dragon next door gave her a silver ring that would always remind her of where she came from so even in the darkest dark she would be able to find her way home.

She took all of her gifts and knew that with these she could do anything. She was so excited to be able to go see some of those far off places she had heard and read about. The first place she went to was the island of tall steel. It was like nothing she had ever seen before. The people were different, the trees were different, the sky was different, even the air was different. It was so exciting to be able to finally be in one of those far off places. At first it was a place of perfection a place where nothing bad could ever happen, just like home, and then after a year of living on the island of steel it happened.

The Evil thing happened. It scared her and made the place seem tainted. It was never as perfect after that Evil thing happened. It seemed like after the Evil that nothing went as magically as before. The prince she had met left and she didn't have time to explain about the Evil and how it had changed her. He just left and not even the magic shoes brought him back. She cried for days because how can you change the Evil? No matter what she did the Evil was always there. Whenever she did anything it was there trying to keep perfect from happening. The Evil scared her so much that she stopped believing in people. No matter how she tried she couldn't bring herself to trust the Island completely.

When her father the King found out about the evil he wrote her a letter. He told her that everything would be ok and even though the Evil had happened it didn't mean that all magic was gone. He told her the Evil is part of the journey and that there would be all different types of evil but that was ok. Because there was enough magic to reverse the Evil and all she had to do was find it and that she definitely had enough to dazzle. He said that with his and the Queen's love and the Knight's magic hugs she would always have enough magic to dazzle. After the King told her these things she slowly found the magic again.

But it was never the same. The magic was there but so was the Evil. No matter how much she tried, it always seemed as if the Evil found ways to ruin her dazzling. She tried so hard but no matter what she did it seemed as if she just couldn't dazzle enough.

Second Chances

They say you never get second chances in life.

I think I may have gotten one.

It rained

If you walk away it may rain
If you walk away it may hurt
But if you walk away I will be fine
When you walk away I'll still be here

you walked away

And it rained glitter from the sky



"I would rather regret the things that I have done than the things that I have not"
~ Lucille Ball ~

A State of Perfection

Its like your legs itch and you physically will not feel ok until you go on that run. If you don't then you might just explode. I got back to my tiny abode and literally dropped everything changed into my running clothes and went. No other thought about how long I would be gone or where I was planning on running. Nothing just the pure need to feel my body moving and accomplishing something physical.

Used to when I'd get these burning drives to run it would be to run hills or mountain trails the type of run that makes your legs burn for days. Now I would pay to be able to run places like that.

But here in the city its a different type of running. You can run in the parks or you can run through the city itself. Through the people the cars and the stoplights. This run is a different type of intense. Your constantly dodging obstacles and forced to acknowledge your surroundings. There is no zoning out. Rather you merge with it all. You begin to race the traffic, you can feel your heart beating with the city. The energy of this place sucks you in and forces you to adapt to it and run with it. You reach this state of absolute physical perfection.

I run here and its the same as running the most intense mountain trail. Its the kind of running where you feel the need to push yourself to the brink of it all. You push towards the pain rather than back away from it. You invite it. Challenge it. Then you reach it.

You come to that point where it hurts so badly you want to stop and cry but instead you push harder. Just to see if you can you run through it. Just to test your body's ability. You win and you move into that place where you could run forever if you wanted to. You could just keep going until you pass out or reach forever. That moment when you get there is better than...life itself. All you are is that movement, that consistent breathing, and the steady beating of your heart. You are nothing else but this flawless being moving through space. Time becomes irrelevant it doesn't matter anymore all that matters is that you keep going.

All that bothered you melts away there is nothing more important than running. You don't worry about what you look like, or what people think, or what people said, or what may happen tomorrow or even in the next hour. This is why I run. I run hoping to reach that state of perfection that could never be reached  in a gym.

Life in a Day

I hope at some point in your life you realize how amazing this life is. That you have a moment when everything is crystal clear and all of the things you think are important fall by the wayside. I hope you are blessed with a moment where you realize how petty the insignificant squabbles we have amongst one another are. That you realize that we are all the same. No matter where we come from we all fear the same and all love the same. We are the same. The accessories of our lives are just that accessories. It makes no difference what car you drive, what house you live in, how much money you make. None of that matters for the could be anyones. What matters is that we are all human. All loving. All here together.

Never say you can't.

So I hope someday you have that beautiful unbelievable moment of enlightenment when you see this life and this world as it really is. A fleeting yet never-ending kaleidoscope of moments that make this life worth living. They may not be big or important but they are all perfect and beautiful in their imperfections.

This is Greatness

Moving to this City has changed me in many ways. I am quite plainly no longer who I once was. I am more aware of who I am, what my ideals are and what I want from this life. I stand alone and unwavering in who I am, I used to wonder if I was right or normal or if I should change but no more. This City has a way of making you see the best and the worst in yourself whether you want to or not. It makes it brutally apparent that I have flaws, huge gaping scars that shape who I am. Some I have overcome. Some I have accepted. Some tear me apart. Its hard living someplace that is so hard and honest which is why some cannot make it hear. You cannot hope to try and hide and not accept who you are here if you do you will become one of those steely jaded statues that roam this city. This forced process of self discovery and newfound self awareness is why this City is the maker of greatness.

 Greatness is never made from perfection it cannot be found in sunny places. It is found where the universe has cast great devastation and heartache. Greatness is forged from the ruins of humanity, when all that is left is but one tiny almost invisible spark of hope lodged deep within one human being. This spark is then beaten and battered and cast about until it either dies or bursts into a clarion flame that rebuilds humanities hope in itself.

This is Greatness.

Icon and Tragic Moments

Do all Icons have to be sad? Most all great visionaries have some sort of dark thread of melancholy that underlines everything they do. Chanel had her entire life scattered by tragedy, FDR had the Depression WWII and his paralysis, Gandhi had India's martyrdom, Nelson Mandela had apartheid, Johnny Cash had drug addictions, so many great and influential figures had tragic lives or moments where anyone else would have broken. 

Is this lingering shadow of some great tragedy what gives someone the potential to become great? "When the storm breaks some are dumb with terror and yet some spread their wings like eagles and soar". This moment, this cross roads where each of us are given a chance to prove ourselves and rise above all that is mediocre is when we have the opportunity to become great. This ability to over come overwhelming obstacles is what makes men great. It is what separates those who have the potential to be great and those that are great. 

I always wonder if I will be or have been give my moment yet. Perhaps for me it is merely a series of events that together ask a lot. I do not know yet if I have had my moment but all I can hope for is to recognize it when it comes and take my chance. 

The Seemingly Unlimited Power of Mascara

Mascara. It is the totally underrated makeup tool. More often than not it is the foundation or the eyeliner that gets kudos for being the make or break factor of a woman's boudoir arsenal. I beg to differ. For it is a well known fact that the eyes are the doorway to the soul and would it not make sense that how you present your peepers is of utmost importance?

Many women spend hours perfecting their base makeup, starting with the primer then foundation then bronzer and blush and then ruin the whole affair by not paying enough attention to their eyeballs.

I know from personal experience that your face could be a hot mess covered in pubescent acne but if your eyes are flawless no one will give it a second look. I know because senior year I was that hot mess. So I perfected the art that is mascara application. I can make my normal length lashes look like a Maybelline ad in less than ten mins. Give me any mascara and magic will happen. I am the Gandalf of eyelashes, clumps shall not pass. This wand of wonder also has the transformative power of making your day go ten times better than normal if applied right.

When my lashes are perfectly coated in black and each lash is individually magnified, personified and exemplary its going to be a damn good day. It could rain mud and snow goose poop but I'll be damned if the weather is going to mess up my day! My lashes are flawless!! Take that stupid weather!

This may seem like a stupid brainless girlie thing to obsess over but trust me this is cosmetic voodoo. Men, you may think you don't care or notice but believe me you do why else do you smile at us, hold open doors, and offer to cary our groceries when we batt our perfectly peerless peepers at you? It sure doesn't happen when were going au-natural. Accept this mystical makeup masterpiece that grants us unlimited power over you and I promise we wont tell anyone ;)

Sparkling on the Cusp and Slow like Molasses

Tonight was one of those nights when everything just fits. The pieces of your life fall into place. Somehow you got so much accomplished during the day and that feeling of absolute accomplishment overwhelms you, then everything has moved into its place and created a night that is full of unlimited possibilities.

It seems as if you could do almost anything, run forever, ride a unicorn, even jump off the Empire State Building and fly! The sky looks as if it was painted, like a vaulted ceiling in a cathedral. The City almost boils over with life. People are alive with anticipation of what the night could bring. Even the City itself seems to be on edge, waiting with baited breath. Sparkling and teetering on the cusp, like a champagne glass on the verge of overflowing.

You walk the streets with a sense of bubbling expectancy waiting for the moment. The moment that is so obviously there waiting on you that you cannot possibly stop roaming until it has happened. The moment that slowly fills you with so much expectation that you dare not even breath. The sidewalk sparkles and the buildings are full with parties. Everyone is ten times more attractive and everyone seems to smile.

When you walk down those sparkling sidewalks towards that moment you cant help but bounce. Bounce along as if your walking on marshmallows. I swear if you were to walk behind me tonight you would have seen glitter and bubbles magically appear and float behind me like a vapor trail. Its nights like these that reinforce this as the City of possibilities. I wish I could wander forever and have these nights never end.

I always feel as if your right around the corner waiting for me and then we'll wander together. Time passes so much more slowly and yet with so much more sweetness. Time slips away with the sugary stickiness of molasses. Each moment as perfect as the last as if Father time himself can't help but want this night last as long as possible. Why is it we can never seem to inhabit these nights together? Is it because they are meant for only one person? Probably. I always feel isolated on nights like this, as if we are alone on islands of blissful perfection. But that solitary feeling isn't weighty like sometimes, it is liberating.

Ocean Storms

Have you ever stood on the beach as the sun was setting and a storm was building on the horizon?

That span when there is this combination of incredible beauty and immense power all at the same time. The clouds build in the distance and pile up into thunderheads and race towards the shore. The sun is setting and turns the storm into towering columns of dusty pink, rose, gold and shades of dusky purple. It becomes a breathtaking moment when time seems to stop and all other things become inconsequential and all thats left is the majesty of it all. Then as slowly as you thought it was happening its over and the sun has set and the thunderheads are rumbling their discontent and then bottom drops out.

Sheets of rain chop the water and sand while the waves grow in height. Gulls scream through the storm and pelicans skim the choppy surface of the sea. The ocean roars and tears itself against the shoreline that holds it captive. As the ocean voices its anger so does the storm itself. The storm rages and sends shuddering rumbles through the air that shake your very insides and produce goose bumps. But however dangerous it may be it is also so thrilling that nothing could tear you away.

The Golden Moment

The most beautiful moment in this city is the moment when the sun is slowly setting and turns everything to gold. It touches each window and facet of the buildings and turns them to beautiful sculptures cast in gold then bronze then a shade somewhere between deep blue and ocher. They slowly transform into more than just concrete and steel. These glorious beings who are steadfastly watching over us as the day disappears and promise to forever be there for whenever we should need them. They watch us as we move amongst them a silent presence observing our lives and protecting us as we struggle to live out our dreams. 

These monoliths of mankind's construction are forever invisible in their roles until that brief moment most of us miss. That moment when the earth slowly rotates to reveal their true perfection while slowly casting them in darkness. Try and catch it if you can. 

What If You Woke Up

Many people confess to not being happy with who they are. For whatever reason it may be lets just say that you are not content with who you are.

What if you woke up one day and could change? What if you woke up one day and could be just as new and inconsistent as the weather? What would you change? Purely the physical? A personality trait? Everything?

Do you ever think "If only I could change this one thing I would be happy"? What if you actually could? What if you could stop time and change the things you aren't happy with.
Would you be happy? In all honesty would it really make you happier to have a slimmer nose? Probably not, once you fix that one thing you'd find another and so it would continue. Its hard not being perfect but thats what makes people interesting.

Like the City itself we are each imperfect in perfect way. Our imperfections are what make us beautiful.
We make mistakes and yet we also make miracles. Life some say is about "finding yourself" but I think its really about coming to terms with your imperfections.

When The City Weeps So Do I

The City, today, was engulfed in those gloomy depressing gray misty clouds that make the buildings disappear.

In the country it would be mysterious and beautiful but here it makes everything seem ten times more gray and dense. You almost feel as if the mist is somehow creeping up on you and will soon swallow you like it did the Empire State Building.

All I wanted to do today was curl up next to you and watch the rain fall and the day creep by. It was one of those days when you just feel like you need a good cleansing cry while curled in a pair of strong arms. (You know those arms that are so gloriously muscled that even when resting the muscle underneath is both hard and fluid at the same time) The type of cry that mirrors the City's depression. You feel as dense as the gray monoliths that surround you, so heavy that at some moments you feel as if you cannot possibly pick up your own head. Every feeling, even happiness, has undertones of melancholy. When I look at you its with a sort of sad ecstasy, I could never see you with just pure sadness but it has become even harder when the City itself seems to weep with me.

The days when this overwhelming wretchedness casts itself over the City you cannot help but reflect its mood. The City thrives on its inhabitants yet we also thrive upon it.

The Breaking of Growth

It seems so long ago that we met.

And I suppose it was, so much has happened since then.

Heartaches. Trials, and Triumphs. Ends, and Beginnings. The New and The Old. oh and Beauty Pageants.

I have changed. I have become something different entirely. They told me this year would change me, I didn't really believe them. They were right.

At the beginning of this year I was told this year will change you, it will force you to either fail or rise above. I have done both. I have failed and then somehow managed to find my wings and still fly. It is a gut wrenching, soul breaking, will smashing process that wrings out every last possible reserve only to demand even more. You give more but that still is never enough. You succeed when you reach the realization that there comes a time when you can no longer afford to care about others opinions.