Christmas In New York

So I've realized that I have now spent two Christmases in New York City yet I have not written out exactly how this beautifully glorious season makes me feel.

New York is a city of beautiful sparkling possibilities all year round but during the holidays it becomes a magical wonderland where everything glitters with the promise of new beginnings. The city that is constantly changing somehow changes itself into a city that encompasses everything anyone could ever want....in anything. I am in Love, deep passionate and undying love with this spectacular City. It fills me with hope; hope that makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs in happiness, hope that makes me full with bubbly optimism that at every moment attempts to spill out in someway or another. This magnificent City has intoxicated me with a burning passion for living. I don't know quite when or how it happened but it has and Christmas in this City is the culmination of all of those feelings.

Christmas in the City is like a...like a beautiful moment when humanity has reached its most perfect state and then somehow overreaches itself. This moment when combined with the incredible sparkle that somehow descends on this magical place over night creates a place where love and romance and unspeakable joy are not the things of fairytales but the things of reality. This is what I love about my City  how it is one of the largest and sometimes most disgusting cities in the world yet somehow it is both this and one of the most magical places I have ever known. How it accomplishes this I shall never know but I love it none the less. And I have been swept off my feet and I will be every Christmas for the next however many years.

I Love You New York...Just thought you should know.

The Men who help me get there.

I have regained control of my life and so I feel confident in expressing myself once again.

I once said fairytales are not reality but after close consideration I realized that I am in fact surrounded by them. There are my parents who although not perfect have a fairytale, there is Mr. and Mrs. Blanchette who have a love that many aspire to, there are my grandparents who's love story is that of an opera. They exist its just that sometimes out of jealousy I am blinded and do not see them.

I asked my New York City dad how he knew he had found true love and he told me he knew the second he saw her because he didn't need to look anymore. That is the feeling we all strive for.

I am such a romantic that I will fall in love at the drop of a hat. I fell in love with quite a few men so far. first there was my best friend then there was the asshole next was heath ledger then there was superman...then there was the last one.

The funny thing about me though is I never stop being in love, sure its a different kind of love but its still love. I am not afraid to love those who I thought broke my heart. They never actually did. It was more that they helped me find myself. I still love them and I am lucky enough to still count all of them as friends...sometimes more. Sometimes they are my pillars, sometimes they are my muses, sometimes they are shoulders to lean on, sometimes they are my tethers to earth, and sometimes they are there to catch me kiss me and remind me that I am strong. Whatever they happen to be and whenever they happen to be it I love them.

I leave and have left but I always come back. Its easier to love someone that to hate someone, hate and disgust take to much energy. Plus you get what you put out.

I find that it is easier to be friends but some don't or cant seem to understand. Especially since I am a woman, and women typically don't work that way, at least thats what the stereotype is. Some women are thought to never be able to be just get over it and move on, some cant. Some are angry and vengeful and some try and slyly work things into being what they want.

I may be intense and brutally blunt and many times I say the wrong thing but I never lie. I never beat around the bush. I march through it. You may think "she can't mean that...she's a chick she's trying to do something subversive" believe me I even tell you when I'm going to be tricky (don't blame me because you cant keep up). I am never under the surface, even when I try the surface is glass so its perfectly transparent. I know its hard to understand but it is what it is.

Someday I will meet...in my case more likely run smack into...the one who is my other half, and as a wise man said "you'll just stop. You will feel it click, and that will be that". So for the click I shall wait but I sure as hell will enjoy all the loves I have along the way, for you see I collect Loves like some women collect purses. And occasionally I like to taste them again, never as I did before but really who doesn't like tasting an old favorite every now and again?

Useless Numbers

Why is it a guy will ask for your number then never call? Wouldn't it just make more sense not to ask for it in the first place? Your really not going to hurt my feelings. I could care less if you don't like me and are "just being polite" there are other fish in the sea. So lets not waste phone memory with numbers you'll run across later and think "dang who the hell is that?"

Last Post

Have you ever met someone had an instant connection then screwed it up?

I did.
Its one of those moments when I would give just about anything to take back what was said. To have a chance to redo whats been done.

Because now that your gone all I can think about is how much I love you. Tiny moments in my life remind me of you, moments that make me want to call you and share them with you...but I cant. I took a moment that I shouldn't and now your gone and I will never get you back. It is a regret I will have for the rest of my life which is my biggest fear, having regrets, funny how I tried so hard not to have any then perhaps one that could have changed my life forever I accidentally mess up by trying not to have regrets.


Be careful, you never know who's watching or reading what you have to say. This is my last post on this blog because its caused me more problems than its solved.

I am Woman Hear Me Roar.

I am Woman. I shall not be brought down, you shall not make me feel like a piece of meat. I am your equal and you will recognize me as such. I am powerful. I am Woman.

I Need a Hero

BOYS!!! Lets Graduate to Men Please!

http://shopping.yahoo.com/articles/yshoppingarticles/682/the-gq-fall-2011-trend-report/

I have become continuously more and more frustrated by the way some men dress...no their not men, their boys. If your in your twenties and still wear the same juvenile crap that you did in high school, I'm sorry but its time for a reality check.

Don't even try and tell me "its because its comfortable" thats a load of s#@! there are penalty of things for you to wear that don't make you look like your balls are being held hostage by your skinny jeans. You aren't 17 anymore lets not dress like we are. Ok? Ok.

If you want to be taken seriously then present yourself that way. No self respecting woman wants to seriously date a guy who still wears graphic tees and jeans all the time. Change it up once in a while. A button down with levi's 501's and a sports coat would be a breath of fresh air. Or how about a real coat? Not just a down jacket, I'm talking legitimate mens double breasted topcoat! Sounds gay you say? Well its not. Its Sexy!!

Oh and if I see another pair of faux glasses I will seriously hunt you down and smash them for your own sake. You know who you are....watch yourself.

So boys what you wear definitely matters. unfortunatly the time has come for you to graduate from the whole tees and jeans deal. Lets get some style going here! Really you guys people (especially women) judge you just as harshly as they judge women by what they wear, sad? Yes. Is it going to change? No.

So lets get a little educated on whats available to you! So many men just assume that fashion is something that is regulated to just women and gay men. Its not!! Woopee!! You all have so much more to choose from, especially in this day and age. The menswear category is expanding to include so much more than your standard suit, jeans, polo and kakis.

So boys lets graduate to men!

A great first point of reference for your new fashionable direction is GQ's website. Go. Check. Then purchase! Much love my Manfriends! We ladies love a well dressed gentleman.

Dont ya feel like cryin'

No Compromise.

The other night I was talking to my mom and of course as is the way with all girl friends the talked turned to boys. As some know I am rather notoriously boy crazy, just a whiff of cologne can do me in, and this fact has caused both my mom and grades some distress in the past. So she is rightfully torn, she of course wants me to date but is rather concerned about me being able to keep my head. Of all people she knows what can happen when you get to "in love" with a boy.

I understand and believe me I worry about it. I whenever there has been the possibility of a relationship I tend to freeze up and over think everything. I don't want to get carried away and forget for even a moment what it is I want in life.

 I used to want nothing more than to be one of those disgustingly cute couples you see on the street. Then as I got older and experienced a few half-relationships I realized that a relationship will never make me fully happy. I need to be happy without a man, if I can find my happiness without one then when I find one it wont matter what the end result is.

My dreams are what make me happy. Knowing that I am doing everything I can to get there and seeing my path forward is comforting. Being able to focus on my dreams and the way forward makes me unbelievably happy. Knowing that I have never sacrificed a anything for what I want and never will is what keeps me going. Somedays its the only thing that keeps me going.

So when my mom voiced her fears that I might loose sight of those dreams because of a guy I had an epiphany.

There is no way I would give my dreams up for anybody, I'm too selfish in that respect. My dreams will always come first and I could never love nor date anyone who expected otherwise.

My Dahling...

Long Time

So its been a while since my last post and I believe its time to begin again...unfortunately I have class so this first post shall be unsatisfingly short. I am back in the city and this year has had some rather beautiful beginning moments. Whether it be luck, karma or fate things have occurred that are either going to create amazing moments or leave me in the dust feeling slightly trampled. So more to come later.

The Timer

I just finished watching a movie aptly titled 'The Timer' its about a future where instead of dating sites there are timers that tell you the exact moment when you meet your soulmate. I'm not sure whether I like the idea or not. To know for every moment that in however many days you are going to be meeting your soulmate is somehow disturbing rather than reassuring. I cant seem to be able to reason out why this would be a positive thing. Yes you have a guarantee but doesn't that ultimately mean that you either don't trust yourself or that you don't really believe in love? For otherwise you would have trusted yourself to figure it out.

Either way I cant see why someone would what to know so precisely, I think that the beauty of not knowing is the possibility of meeting many loves and discovering yourself in the process. Otherwise you could miss out.  

Heres to Hoping

So while here in The City for a stent of tedium I signed up for a free month of netflix. As many of my closest confidants know I am a self professed action flick fan, comedy flick fan, thriller fan, classic movie fan...basically everything but chick flicks. I have long voiced my outrage at many a girls love for "delusional sap.fests", however as my free month comes to a close I realize that I am in denial. 


I Alex Foxworth am in love with all romantic movies, all kinds, all shapes and all forms whether a period piece or a modern.
Why? Well I've begun to try and discover the reason. I think its root is the unyielding faith I have in finding my male counterpart. I have always been raised with two halves of philosophy, side one is the cinderella story, side two is the independent feminist side. The Cinderella side states, as all girls know, that someday our prince will come charging in on his white horse or what have you then it will be on to the timeworn "happily ever after".  The second side has worn into my very being by my mom and dad. They raised me to never expect things to just happen, that I have to run out and get them if I want them bad enough. They tell me that I don't need a boy to make me happy, that I can do whatever I want without one. That I don't need  man to make me happy. Their right I have grown to realize that I don't need someone to rescue me, I can do it myself.


However I have always held the image of prince charming in the back of my mind. I haven't been able to relinquish the hope that he is out there. No matter how many times I falter, fall, and fail in love I still find myself thinking that its ok, I'll find him someday or he'll find me.


 Many would say that I cannot have such opposing ideas, they don't mix. I do though and I think thats ok and whether it is or not well we'll find out wont we.




Chick flicks however slightly delusional keep me hopeful. Hopeful that someday a Hugh Jackman look-a-like will come sweep me off my feet in the middle of NYC traffic.....heres to hoping.

Its Been A While

Its been sometime since my last musing and the reason for that is in itself a musing. Since it is such I feel that I should record it, mostly because I think that it will help me muddle this through.

I have been told that this blog should become "happier". That I should start posting things about my experiences in New York City. That is a brilliant idea but I was then told to start a blog about dogs in the City. Experiences=yes. Dogs=No. (unless of course the experiences include dogs).

The sequence of events that led from that suggestion to this musing is long and will not be told.
It is relevant for my self only.

Throughout my entire life there have been those who have wished to have an impact on me, and there will be many others as well. However there is and shall always be only one person who can.

This being has such a huge impact on everything I do. No matter what it is that I am doing at any given time my first thought is would they be proud of me? The second, would the being find fault in me and what I had done? This person is the only being on earth who has the ability to make me feel as if I can do nothing right. They are the only one who can shoot one glance at me and make me feel as if I was as small and insubstantial as a grain of salt. This being holds the only standard I strive to live up to other than my own. I submit my self to doubt only if this being instills it.

I used to hope(and still naively do) that someday I will succeed and surpass the being's standards. Many of the tears spilt have been when I have lifted that thin, ever present vail of naivety and seen that I shall never live up to even half of the standard I am held against.

This thought of being a continuous let down has two opposing effects. The first being a fire of anger that demands me to push farther and harder in order to succeed. The other being an icy anger that suggest that if failure is inevitable then why try? These two feelings continuously batter against each other. One a will to succeed at whatever challenge presented, the other a condescending rebel refusing to give anyone the satisfaction of having done what was suggested. Having such incompatible forces within ones self creates a sort of internal civil war.

I shall never be good enough, I am driven to prove otherwise but refuse to give them the satisfaction by doing what was suggested.

Hold Fast Dear Ones

Soon I will begin posting things that inspire me and then the final piece(s) that is(are) born from the inspiration.

Hold tight until that moment though dears.

The evolution continues

So today I attended a lecture conversation panel between Tim Gunn and The Sartorialist aka Scott Schuman. I was enlightened by many things they said.

Scott Schuman for instance spoke of authenticity and the love and respect fashion. He spoke of his blog and what he feels a good blog has. He feels that a good blog creates a conversation while talking about things you love. Since his blog is a fashion blog he discusses his views on fashion. The idea that it is more about what you can get from other peoples style rather than critiquing their style and marveling at the idea that someone could dream up such things.

Tim Gunn spoke about designing things that make the wearer feel the the way they should, i.e. making a warrior look an feel like a warrior, making a beautiful woman fell like a beautiful woman. That clothes don't need to change but that fashion by definition needs to change.

All of these comments got me to thinking about the idea that I design for myself, yes I design clothes for a certain group but everything I dream up came into being because I wanted to wear it. I design clothes for me and selling them to people is the next logical step.

So I know how I feel about my designs and myself but of course the best way to learn is through conversation....so converse with me you scant few who read my blog, if you prefer to be anonymous then go ahead I don't mind.

Join in you people that up until this point I was in denial about.

Yes I Want to Be a Princess When I Grow Up.

Is it sad that I still want to grow up and be a princess? I cant seem to shake that dream that is every little girls. I still want a knight in shining armor to come and rescue me (although I'll deny that because I'm an Independent woman). And I keep secretly hoping a prince will come along and sweep me off my feet and into a fairy tale where I get to wear extravagantly huge dresses every day and tiara's (come on ladies who doesn't want a tiara??)

Oh yes I admit I am one of those girls who's secretly in love with Prince Charming and who keeps believing in that Cinderella story. And I'll probably keep on believing it until it happens too.

Oh yes I can here all of you "logical" people out there reading this thinking "good lord the girls done lost her mind" but I promise you I haven't. I still believe because what is life without a fantasy or too (ok it may be a lil' beyond the point of a fantasy but thats not the point). I will forever be a believer in magic and true love, although I will whole heartedly deny it in public. I will continue to believe that every guy I ever get a crush on is my Prince Charming and even when he breaks my heart I'll just keep on believing. I know sappy right?

Yeah I agree,
But honestly every woman grows up being told that they deserve a man who's going to treat them like a princess. Even when they grow up and decide they're too old for Cinderella, Snow White and all the others I guarantee you that deep down they all still hold onto that little girls dream. So ladies I'm here to tell you that it's OK to keep that dream alive, to keep hoping that someday you'll find him. If anything its a good thing to want a good man.

So keep dreaming girls. xoxo

A man never loved a woman he knew everything about.

Don't ask me to tell you who I am. I wont. I need my secrets. I need the shadows. If I didn't have them then you couldn't love me. I keep myself locked up because if you knew everything you'd be scared, there is so much more than you want to see. You don't want to know that I'm more than that girl you went to high school with.

I grow every day. I evolve. I change. I'm never the same so how could you even expect me to divulge everything when sometimes even I don't know.

Even if I did know I sure wouldn't tell you.

I don't want you to start thinking I don't know who I am. Trust me I do. I've slowly been discovering who I am since junior year. I know who I'm becoming. Every day I get closer. And to all of you who refuse to see that I'll just keep moving farther away and keep getting more incomprehensible.

I wish all of you that I loved would move with me, but you wont I'll leave you behind. I'm sorry but it's inevitable, I wont do it on purpose, but it will happen. I will continue to love you because you're a part of me, you helped shape me in some small way(some not so small).

So please don't ask me to tell you everything, but if you do remember I will lie.

Never forget.

To those of you who are celebrating Bin Laden's death. I know who your celebrating but I don't think its right I cant see how celebrating the death of anybody is healthy even a man as terrible as he was.

I think it is more important for us as a nation to remember who we are, who those who died were and where we should be going. We need to remember the unity and nationalism that 9/11 produced. We need to remember those who died and those who fought to save them. To forget would be more terrible than if we had never caught him at all. If we forget that then we as a people have learned nothing.

And to those of you who lost or were lost, I love you and I will remember.

Remember

Prom....

So I think it would be appropriate for me to inform all of my lovely ladies still in high school that Prom is not like it is in this movie.

It can be a magical night but not because of the dress or the boy or any of that stuff. It doesn't matter what boy you go with or who you don't go with. It's about going with people you love and spending a magical night with them, about creating memories with those friends.

If I had to do it over again I would go alone. I would skip the 50$ dinner and skip the after party(yes I just said I'd skip the after party) I would instead eat at home with my friends and instead of going to somebody's house party I'd drive to the beach. I think I've realized that prom however glorious and magical cannot ever hope to live up to the expectations we as a generation make up for it. I really don't know anymore why I thought it was this huge life altering experience. I had a blast mind you, but sometimes I wish I could go back and re-do it with only a few expectations for it (but the dress would have to still be flawless) (as a fashion major I'm required to say that ;) )

So ladies go. Go because its a chance for you to spent time with people you may never see again after high school. Go because you want to dance. Go because of the dress. But don't go because you envision it as this over dramatized fantasy that will alter your universe and propel you towards your future husband.

Now go and dazzle in that gown girlies!!

i

I am lonely.
I am lonely because I am who I am.
I am a strong personality.
I say everything whether it should be or not.
I try to hold it in, it doesn't work.
I have so many emotions and frustrations and I can't articulate them. So I verbally throw up whatever is the most potent at the moment. This screws me over.
I hurt myself through my own actions.

 I cry over you.

I cry because I know its me.
I cry because I don't know how to fix what I cant see.
I cry because when I hurt you I hurt myself.

I cry because I am lonely.
I cry and then somehow mess up again.
I cry because I am sorry.

sorry.

I am sorry

Up until this point in my life I've always been busy enough and have enough drama in my life to avoid seriously thinking. By thinking I mean more specifically about my personality and the flaws that I have. But for the past few days I've been left with very little to do. This lack of activity has thrown into high relief the one aspect of my life that I have been studiously avoiding.

I am lonely.

And it's my own fault.

I have always known that I have the type of personality that can....hurt people. Its not that I mean to, but unavoidably I hurt someone so badly that they stop talking to me. I never mean to, as a matter of fact I don't even know what it is that I do exactly that forces this alienation upon myself.

Trust me if I knew I'd stop doing it.

 I try to tell people that I am moody and that I am bitchy  I can be mean. I try to tell people that I know this and to tell me when I hurt them and that they wont hurt my feelings, but no one tells me. Because of this I am left not knowing and without a friend. I know it's not their fault it's solely mine. But please, I beg of you, please tell me when I  hurt you. It hurts me so much more when I finally realize that I've done something to wound you. If you just tell me I'll be able to work on fixing whatever it is that keeps happening.

I know that I cannot hope to fix all of the friendships that I have broken. I only hope that I will figure out what I do that causes these fractures so I can fix it.

But to all of you who I have alienated...I am sorry, so much so that words cannot express the sorrow I feel. I know that I've hurt you, I don't expect this to change much, all I am looking for is that you see how filled with regret I am. I hope you see that I do recognize that I have flaws(a crap ton to be more accurate) and that I want so very much to fix them.

I am sorry.

Brandon's Insights (with some of mine of course)

Cause black kids can’t possibly like the same shit

Color, color, color…

I might as well get this post out now before too many people start actually paying attention to what I’m saying.

Ok… I went to a Spanish Immersion Elementary school so there was little separation between white and black, well… with any race really.  So you can understand the cultural shock I received when I hit middle school and saw the blatant socio-economic and cultural differences between the privileged suburbanwhite kids I had grown up with and the black kids who also went to school with me.

Race has always played a factor in my character; for instance, in middle school I took it upon myself to separate myself from the black kids in the school and show that we can, in fact, be motivated, articulate human beings (my first middle school was in a particularly poor area, I didn’t really have a representative view of my own race at all besides my own family and them).

Beyond that, I’ve been ridiculed in one way or another from things as far as my apparently acting white (I still hold firm to the belief that one cannot act a color), and my skin color. I’ve said before that I’m done defending myself on these two fronts; I would just like to add that I’m proud of the color of my skin and the history that comes with it.

Which leads me to my final point of today’s topic:
The ‘N’ word.  Every time I get upset when someone who is not black says it I feel like a hypocrite.  I couldn’t articulate why I was okay with my black friends saying it while they’re rapping or generally and not okay with my non-black friends saying it.  I’ve come up with this: it’s an issue of respect for me. And it’s easy if you think of it as respect for the nearest black (really, any) person within earshot.

I try not to say it around people with whom I would get upset with if they said it, because that would be hypocritical.

I will say it if it’s in a song, but generally only if I’m by myself.  Anyway, out of respect for me… while I’m around, please just don’t do it.

//My communication of ideas still needs some work… I hope this was enlightening if only a little. Feel free to shoot me a message with suggestions (maybe for topics, or how I could better write these, or what direction you would like me to go in).

P.S. People don’t just get scholarships (especially mine) or some other things just because of the color of their skin; that’s ignorant.  People get these things because of need or hard work.

As a response

I think that you realize a few things in this that very few have yet to see. I applaud you in being able to effectively communicate something that has such a strong tug on your being without getting hostile. I agree that it is impossible for someone to act like a color, but unfortunatly the stereotypes(if you should call them that) that culturally go with the color of someones skin and their race within a society are hard to escape from. They have been so ingrained into our thinking that it is hard to not think in such terms. One can only hope that our generation is the beginning of an era where such things begin to fade away.

Response from the Big Wig Beauty Lady

Dear Alex...

It broke my heart to receive this heart felt note from you.  I can tell that this is something that has really bothered you and I can't even fathom where you would have come to the conclusion that our winners are determined by whom they go to for coaching or whom they choose to work with for wardrobe.  We would not have a clue who the contestants shop with nor work with, and we make every effort when talking to our sponsors, not to discuss their clients, i.e. our contestants.  We have had young ladies win with no coaching and wearing  Wal-mart swimsuits and borrowed gowns, so I am so sorry that you have taken this away from the experience that you had with us.

Thank you for taking the time to let us know your feelings.  If you see that there is anyway we can prevent others from having these types of feelings, I would be honored to have you share your thoughts with us.

Respectfully,
Paula Miles
Director




Hmmmm..... curious.

Frustrated Former Beauty Contestant

For those of you who don't know, I was a contestant in a couple of beauty pageants. Yes I am aware of all the negative connotations that go along with that.

Anyways. As a contestant I realized how biased and unfair the competition was, as a former contestant I continue to receive emails and letters from the organization.

Today I received one and wrote a reply.

To Whom it May Concern,

As a past participant in your beauty pageant I feel that it is time for me to express some of the frustrations of being a contestant. As someone who values all of the "requirements" you say are vital to being a Teen or Miss. winner I thought your beauty pageant would be a beneficial experience. I was unfortunatly not entirely correct. I, along with several other of the contestants, soon came to realize that I had no chance of progressing past the preliminaries. That no matter how hard we tried, how hard we sparkled we would not move forward. This unfortunate fact arose because we had not complied with the unspoken rules of your pageant.

 In order to win anything in this pageant you must buy your dress(es) from the biggest sponsor, be coached by the biggest sponsors, be willing to pay out the nose to the biggest sponsors. For some of us however this is not an option. Some of the girls who enter this pageant cannot afford to buy a dress that costs a few thousand dollars and then pay hundreds more for "proper" training. To tell them that they have the same chances as all of the girls who can pay and know to do such things is immoral. 

I have contemplated over and over how I could change the way things are done at RPM Productions and I realized that the obvious beginning would be simply voicing my frustrations. I continue to hope for the future contestants sake that you all recognize these faults and make amends. I also cannot see how you have not noticed a trend to begin with. Most would think it odd that other than the "pageant" girls none of your other contestants ever come back again. I would venture to say that it is because they too have noticed what I've noticed. 

I think that if steps were taken to change how things were done you would see a rise in the number who apply and the number that choose to return. The only thing that made me become a contestant for a second time was the other girls, the prospect of being able to meet so many other amazing women and make so many friends was the only reason I returned. 

Regards,

Alex Foxworth

Yes its a frustrated yet (I'd like to think) eloquent response to their disgusting newsletter but I felt it was long over due.

On matters of Regection

Recently I've found that I have an unfortunate ability to build and sustain a list of rejections that continues to grow with each interview I give. At first I believed it to be the fact that I simply did  not fit the position, but after so many no's one begins to understand that it is not the position. Rather it is ones self that is unfit. But the question is how does one become fit?

To become fit for a job is a simpler thing, all you would have to do is to perfect one's interview skills and resume. But what of those positions....that one cannot specifically prepare for? How is someone to gain ground in that department?
Is it my own fault that I find myself in a state of stagnancy? If so how is it that my personality is deemed the type to be rejected and placed in such a state? After much consideration that there is no answer, that there is no way to be completely sure that one's personality is "right" all one can do is make sure that it is right by yourself. I've also come to the conclusion that although I would like to be able to alter the course that I seem to be destined for there is nothing that I can do.

All that I can hope to do is to not become jaded. To continue to hope that all of these rejections continue because there is something more I am meant to do. To continue to hope as all do that I have been rejected because some greater force means something greater for me. Although admittedly I will continue to question myself and the path I am on because of them.

So to all who have been rejected: keep hoping keep believing as you do that somewhere ahead of you there is an acceptance.
To those who have stopped believing, please find hope, find hope in that everything in life is a series of choices. If you make only choices you are proud of and content with then it is only possible for you to have outcomes that are the same.

The Newfound Purpose of this blog

After looking back at the past few entries I've realized that this blog has naturally become a place for my ideas and inner thoughts. Hopefully by publicly revealing myself and all that I go through and learn I will impart a small bit of insight and knowledge into this world along the way.

To all of those who think High School is the hardest thing in the world and that no one knows what your going through. I know, I know just how suckish High School can be. Its all about "finding yourself"( really its "who do I gossip about next?") But trust me its really not so bad when you look back at it. I went through senior year thinking I had figured myself out, that I had finally stopped caring what people said. Well I am here to tell you that what you figure out in high school will be smashed to smithereens in College. Everyone says that High School is about discovering yourself, well news flash its got nothing on the self discovery College forces on you. It forces you to reevaluate what you care about and what your priorities are. Do you care more about passing that class or pacifying your peers? Would you rather worry about what others think of you or worry about that assignment thats due tomorrow?

Now coming from the perspective of someone who thought hay had already gone through that whole process of time consuming self discovery, finding that you have to do it again is frustrating as h***. But in the end it is a necessary evil(unfortunately). This year has foisted upon me somethings that have made me completely alter how I approach situations and how I see myself. It has told me continuously that I'm not up to the standard, that I don't really know those I thought I knew, and innumerable other things that can bring a person down.

Being told continuously that you aren't good enough, that your opinions count for nothing, that every comment you make is idiotic wears a person down.

In the end you have to decide whether or not you would rather be you or who they want you to be.

Best pick me up song ever!

The Perils of Falling in Love.

So for the past two days I've had a friend, or at least someone I considered a friend staying with me. I considered this person someone who I was really close with because he saved me in a really dark time in my life. I was always told though that he really liked me, I never really believed it until last night. Yesterday they tried to convince me that everything that happened, everything we had experienced never actually happened. This astounded me and I didn’t understand until a really wise person shed some light on the situation.

         He had liked me so much that when he thought that I didn’t like him that way he cut all of those memories that he could out of his memory. Everything we went through, all the time we had spent together all of those memories are gone. It’s how he coped.

         What he never knew is that I loved him just as much, I’ve just been scared so deeply that I get frightened. But to have someone erase you from their life is something I never imagined possible, it was just one of those things that I thought happened only in books. But I am no longer in his.

         The way we cope is as different as our own individual thumbprints. I cope by hiding my heart beneath layers of over-exaggeration and lightheartedness and by refusing to let anyone love me and not letting myself love anyone either. I realize that I do this and it’s not something I relish but it’s hard to let someone in when you’ve been burned so badly. What I’ve learned is that to overcome this I have to let people know about my scars in hopes that they can understand why it’s so hard for me and just maybe love me in spite of them. I never have blocked out the things I’ve been through simply because they are the reason I am who I am today, and to hide them or forget them is to try and change who I am. Those people who have changed me and the marks they have left behind, have made me so much stronger and helped me learn so much more about myself. Without them I would never have found out half of the things I have.

          So to all of you who have been burned, I understand the pain, I understand why you would want to bury them away. Don’t. Take them and learn from them, and never hide them because someday someone will come along who will see them, understand them, and know how to heal them. Until that day comes just find comfort in the fact that you aren’t alone.

Secret milionaire

To any of you who haven't heard or watched this show, watch it!! Its so inspiring to see people who have so much care enough about others to go out find those who are doing so much good with so little and give them donations that help sooo much.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/220755/secret-millionaire-dani-johnson-knoxville-tn#s-p1-so-i0

A virtual hug and the contemplation of letters

So tonight I was sent this video by a friend and it was the craziest thing ever. I actually felt like I had gotten a hug through the internet. I know right?! Who would have thought that you could feel like a person had hugged you just by experiencing a link they sent you? Well folks I'm proud to say that you can send your loved ones a hug through the web, this can be accomplished by contemplating how you feel and finding a video or picture that expresses that. However if your way more talented than me you can always write a letter to them. Now when it comes to letters you could email one or Facebook one but call me old fashioned because I prefer the sent-in-the-mail-written-by-hand kind.  Unfortunately those are rare and with far between.
 If people would write more letters everyone would be happier. I mean who on earth doesn't like getting a letter in the mail? Who doesn't like the feeling of anticipation when opening their mailbox and realizing "yes!!" they have a letter? If you don't you are a sad deprived person because that not-love of letters is there because you never got one so fix it! Send yourself one if you have too!

To All My Ladies Out There

So while cruising on Facebook i ran across this note and I think it is something that all women and (some men) should remember. So to all my ladies out there; always remember that you are beautiful, powerful, and unique and if a man can't see that then he is definitely NOT worth it.  

This month, my column might turn out a little more austere (down-to-earth). Inspired (animated / induced / invigorated) by a report of a behavioural scientist in FOCUS magazine, I just had to show a different writing style. The male world is still of the opinion that men are the hunters and we are the hunted. No, not at all, my dear men, sorry to disappoint you in this matter, but you believe so because we make you believe and feel this way. There is no doubt that we have always been the hunters and you are never even aware that you have been bagged already.

If you court a lady, then only because she chooses you and allows you to play this game with her. (Since) You do not want a woman who picks up (/ goes catting for) men – at least not for a long-term relationship, do you? Yes, she is gladly welcome for a one-night stand and that was it. But if we make you feel that we are not easy to have (/ cannot be had for a song), then we signalise that you have to fight (/ pull your socks up) for us. Yet in fact, we have long decided. But how do we come to this decision?

How do we determine our Mr. Right or perhaps also Mr. Imperfect ?

Quite simply, by considering the distribution of hormones in the body, which by the way can be detected by means of measuring the lengths of both ring finger and index. Males with lots of testosterone, thus known as the real guys (/ men), have a longer ring finger. Their disadvantages: they have affairs and the testosterone affects their intelligence in a negative way. This does not necessarily mean that machos are dull, but the high quantity of testosterone does not leave much room for cognitive performance (referring to the act of thinking in general), which stands in contrast to estrogen, since it improves intelligence.

Or we move on two separate tracks. We sleep with Alpha-males, since they guarantee the optimum genetic material, but such characters also bring violence and power games along with them, they are unfaithful and they invest little. Since they are very proprietorial (/ possessive), they demand (/put their feet down for) unconditional faithfulness, which seen from my point of view should be off the cards because it is as natural as a duck takes to water.

However, you cannot expect this from a woman who selects her own sexual partners and goes hunting for them. This is why you started trying your hands on controlling us, for instance with repeated phone calls, by declaring no-gos for certain garments and by spying on us. Thereupon we have developed into talented female liars and beguilers during evolution, we had to in order to escape your control. And to still be able to go on living our own lives. This is the reason why we marry those men or live in long-term relationships with partners who are caring and tender.

And there is another variant of determining whether the male character makes a good match for the female. A few hundred milliseconds are required to make up one's mind in this matter: We are capable of weighing up strangers, we retrieve our information, for instance, from their odour, their appearance and from their body language.

Every human being has this ability, we actually get to the true bottom of it, scientists unfortunately still have no explanation of how this works. Nevertheless, whether a woman decides in favour of the tender type or opts for the macho type, the most important thing is, and will remain, to feel comfortable with everything you do. Kindest regards, Anna

The pointless-ness of this

So as I peruse some of the blogs I follow it occurred to me that they all have one very specific thing in common. They all have a focus be it either shoes, fashion, or man repelling they all have a point where as mine has none! (good grief this sounds way more pathetic typed out than it did in my head)

As I blurfed(blog+surfed) it became more and more apparent that I need to specify to make this blog successful. But what to focus on!? The choices are limitless! Then it hit me...my focus is on figuring out my focus! How brilliant! So here I go... again on my own, goin' down the only road I've ever known, like a drifter I was born to walk alone. Just a really dorky 80's moment there, pay no attention. As I was saying I am now off on the great quest to find my blogs manifesto!! So let the hunting begin!

The state of Apathy

Ever since I got on the train this morning to return to the City I've been in a state of utmost lethargy and dullness. I'm not sure what is wrong but I've begun to suspect that it has to do with the fact that I am experiencing homesickness and a keen awareness of my lack of friends. Its really quite sad that my circle of  confidantes is as small as it is, the seemingly smallness of that group is intensified when I'm in the type of mood I'm in now. In this state of dissatisfaction it appears as if the number of people I can call to drag me out of it is even smaller than it is normally, which in a sick kind of way just deepens the state of monotony I'm in. How sad. Shhht whats even sadder is that I'm bogging about it.

geeze.

The feeling compounds as I realize(AGAIN!!) that my one follower is me..... good grief

Marie Antionette overload

The upside to being my only follower

Since I'm my only follower its rather depressing but upon further examination the whole one follower thing is probably a good thing. If people were actually paying attention to what I blog about then I would be seen as even more ridiculous than I already am, so this is definitely a great thing. I mean I have not a clue what I'm doing. I think thought that this blog will become the place where I can idealize my sadly ordinary life.

So commence the over-idealizing!!

Tales of Endearment: Harper's Bazaar

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Sarcastic Valentine

The other day I posted a sarcastic valentine and I was amazed at the semi angry response I received. Why is it on any other day people pick up on sarcasm yet on valentines day of all days they seem to be unable to pick such things up?